Change starts in the mind

“Nah, that’s not me.”

I stared at the screen.

Shook my head. “Nope, that can’t be right.”

Pushy, rude, lustful, aggressive, controlling, blunt, intimidating, my way or the highway, dominating, angry, intense, don’t care about other people’s feelings.

No, I’m not an 8.

8s sound like awful people who make everyone around them miserable.

I’m annoying, even to myself, but I don’t think I make everyone miserable.

I care about people’s feelings. Try to help them.

Push them to do what they’re afraid to do. Nudge them to raise their standards and love themselves more. Give them a reality check to grow past their fears.

Look how helpful I am:

There are misunderstandings, I admit, but I’m not an 8. They’re horrible.

I researched more that day.

Um… yeah, I’m intense, straightforward, strangers call me intimidating and aggressive (don’t know why), and I can be pushy, but they also call me chill, and I rarely get angry.

I wanted to become better, not be lied to.

I’m not an 8.

The Enneagram had lied to me. What the heck? Stupid test. I put it away.

Came back the next morning.

It had me. I was curious about this personality typing system known for helping people become more of who they want to be — their healthiest self — so I looked into it further.

By that, I mean I tried on every number except the one I knew I wasn’t — a 3.

I got all introspectivy — as I’m prone to do — and dug into my motivations and fears. Looked at all the behaviors for a few weeks.

But wait, let me slow down. Pause. Give you some context. What the heck am I talkin’ about?

From denial to not denial

I’m the self-improvement type. I’ve grown to serve my soul, and I want to serve it the best I can. So I have to grow, learn, and challenge myself.

The other types were… not quite.

Seven of the types sounded like me, but their motivations and fears didn’t match mine exactly.

Researchers and their books say we have all nine of these personality traits within us, so that makes sense.

Y’all, I was in denial hardcore.

One day, even though I’d been feeling ashamed about possibly being this type, I accepted it because of a truth I realized:

I’ll sacrifice the other eight desires to get one desire — control over my life.

• I’ll sacrifice image to get control. Not a 3.
• I’ll sacrifice security to get control. Not a 6.
• I’ll sacrifice freedom to get control. Not a 7.
• I’ll sacrifice peace to get control. Not a 9.

Owning my business, doing what I want, not working for someone else, choosing how I spend my time, creating my own rules, holding myself accountable, owning my material things, and being my truest self take precedence over everything else.

My life has to be mine. All of it.

But the Enneagram isn’t just about motivations; it’s also about fears. Our core fears.

In-progress copies if I die

Every few months or so, as I update my books before publication, I send some of my family an “in-progress copies if I die” email. Right now, it’s two-years-of-emails long.

The emails have updates to my novels and detailed instructions on how and where to publish them.

In one email, I sent a will. Here’s the relevant part:

What’s this actually saying? I’m terrified of losing control of my life.

Every other fear I can handle, but not controlling my life, is death to me. It’s the one that haunts me.

So, to sum up, it took a while, but I accepted it eventually: I’m an 8.

Different types of 8s

Now, why did I think the descriptions didn’t sound like me?

Instincts.

In the Enneagram, instincts are the different flavors of each personality type, and there’s three of them — self-preservation, social, and sexual.

You see, the descriptions do sound like me. I have many of those negative characteristics — though I try to minimize them — and the positive ones of an 8, too:

• protective
• ambitious
• lustful
• empowering (can be disempowering if I’m stressed or angry)
• independent
• leaderly
• helps by shoving myself into other people’s business. No, they don’t often like it
• mistress of my destiny
• don’t like following rules
• fights for justice and a better world
• wants to do what I want, when I want
• likes to be in charge
• dominating (oh, not a positive one except in the bedroom with consent ;))

But my presentation looks different because I’m a social 8.

This is the countertype 8. All nine personality types have a countertype. The people who don’t stereotypically look like their type.

Me? I soften down those negative traits because my focus is to help others — aggressively. Lead groups to help people empower themselves.

Push said people if needed.

Improvement

Every day, I’m working to become better. I’m exploring my shadows, those places in myself where I’ve buried pain.

For most of us, that pain is still showing up today, messing up our lives.

Over the years, I’ve become:

• more patient
• less pushy
• more of a gray thinker
• not so controlling
• more understanding
• less impulsive
• a better leader

It’s been hard, but I’m learning to monitor my impact and how my energy’s coming off.

And it’s because of the Enneagram.

It’s helping me grow into a healthier 8. A force for good.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted to be.

The power is yours; it always has been.

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What’s your personality type?

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